


Live From the Past

by orphan_account



Category: Horrible Histories
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 02:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bob, Sam and Mike get stuck in the past. Yep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live From the Past

“This is all your fault,” says Sam.

“My fault? I was nowhere near the control room!” Mike shouts. “And I distinctly remember the smell of coffee and burning things before we got here so don’t look at me! I only drink tea!”

“You were still closer than us,” she insists.

Work had been normal, or at least as normal as it can be when you work for a news agency with its own time machine. Rehearsals were over for the day and she was on her way out the door when Bob, in typical Bob fashion (loudly and with excessive flailing) insisted that there was one more thing he needed to know before work tomorrow. Mike was on the periphery of her vision when a change creeped into the air. First she felt dizzy, then things went black, and then green though oddly tasted purple.

And here they are, but where here is is the current mystery. It still seems like Britain, but far from civilization by the looks of things and possibly near a quarry. She’ll have to stop mocking Doctor Who reruns.

Days since the last accident at HHTV: ~~253~~ 0\. It’s practically a record.

“Mmm! Smell that fresh air! It’s been a while since I’ve been out in the field! I wonder if I’ll meet myself!” Bob says happily. “How about you Sam?”

And of course Bob is here.

“I don’t go into the time-,” she starts, but stops. “The field?”

“Yep! Correspondent Bobsy! Did Mike’s job for decades! Though I can’t remember which decades,” Bob says as enthusiastically as ever. “Whoops! I wasn’t supposed to tell you that! You know company policy! I could create a paradox!”

“Well, if you did create a paradox I’m sure we’d know about it by now, time being what it is,” Mike says, dusting himself off. “I think. Time seems very durable.”

“It’d have to be to put up with Bob,” Sam says.

“Ooo! Low blow, Sam, low blow!” says Bob.

“And it can probably stand a few lost reporters too,” she says quietly.

The three of them climb to the top of a nearby hill to get a better sense of where they are. It’s a cloudy, dreary morning (or probable morning), but at least it’s definitely day time. Stumbling around in the dark would be the only thing that could make this situation any worse, except for perhaps appearing in the middle of a battle field. There are rough, craggy hills to the south and west, trees to the east and open plains to the north.

“Are we in England? It feels like England,” says Mike absent-mindedly touching his chest. He’s usually wearing his (useless) vest in the field; he must be missing his lucky security blanket. “We should find someplace dry before it rains,” he says.

“Right! This way!” Bob says. “I’ve got an eighth sense for these things! Right behind my ability to sense which cupboard the best biscuits are in and just what new-fangled whats-its the kids are into these days!” Bob confidently strides toward the rocky hills. He briefly stumbles over some rocks, but shows no signs of stopping.

“Should we follow him?” Mike asks.

“We can’t let him go off on his own,” she says as they start to follow.

“There’s probably a company policy about letting your co-workers wander off into the unknown wilderness,” says Mike.

“Thank God I wore flats today,” she says.

-

After a few hours of walking, the bickering starts up again.

“I was nowhere near it!” Mike insists.

“You were near it, you smelled it burning!” Sam retorts.

Bob is as unconcerned as ever. He’s even humming.

“Don’t worry, Sam. Rattus will find us eventually!” Bob says cheerily.

“Am I not here?” Mike says gesturing to Bob.

“Eventually?” she asks.

“Eventually! He always does! Or at least I think he does. Well, he told me he does.”

“We’re doomed,” Mike says. She has to agree.

“Ooo! Locals!” Bob says. Sure enough, a figure appears on the horizon, wearing what look like animal skins. Of course, they’re stuck in the Stone Age of all places. They couldn’t be stuck in a time that’s actually useful, with writing, landmarks or metal. Bob rushes off to greet the figure before she gets a chance to say anything.

“Oh god,” Sam sighs. “With our luck, they’ll either kill us or worship Bob as their new god.”

“Or both,” Mike says, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. “How can he run so fast?”

Bob covers the distance in record time and immediately begins gesturing wildly at the caveman, who seems to be shirking away from him. Still, he hasn’t fled in terror yet so maybe they’re making progress.

“Twenty pounds on new god Bobsy of Helicoptoria,” she says.

“…that makes no sense. I only win if we both die,” Mike says. “Which I’m pretty sure is actually losing.”

In a completely expected turn of events, Bob shoots one arm straight up in the air and begins twirling it around, probably while making engine noises. Amazingly, the caveman (or woman?) hasn’t killed him or run away yet.

“But think of the moral boost. If we live I get twenty pounds,” she says.

“…sure why not,” Mike says as Bob waves them over.

-

The caveman retreats before they reach Bob.

“That was Geoff! Lovely man! Well, caveman anyway.”

“His name was Geoff?” Sam asks.

“I couldn’t call him Krug. Terrible name!” Bob says. “Anyway there’s a cave nearby we can sleep in for the night that definitely doesn’t have any mega bears in it at all! Nope, none! I’ve been assured!”

“…alright,” Mike says quietly.

She decides to ignore the obvious question of how Bob knows this when he only has crude sign language at his disposal.

“Bob, how long will it take Rattus to find us? Because I have no idea how to fight a mega bear,” she says.

“Go for the eyes?” Mike says. “Sorry, that’s not very helpful.”

“Can we reach the eyes?” she says.

“Don’t worry Sam! The longest anyone’s ever been lost is three days!” Bob says. “Though there was that one intern who spent two weeks in Ancient Egypt. Came back bald and covered in lice. Yuck!”

“Stop trying to comfort me,” she warns. Being Bob’s favorite chiefly consists of long periods of confusion followed by brief spells of annoyance and occasionally frustration, like now.

“How come I’ve never heard about this?” asks Mike.

“Did you hear something?” Bob says looking around. “Huh, must have been the wind. Anyway, that was more than twenty years ago! And Rattus found her just fine!” says Bob. “Whoops! Paradox! Forget I said that!” Bob continues to talk to himself quietly, occasionally saying words like ‘sewer’ and ‘paradox’ and ‘50% off.’

Sam pauses. Something clicks in her mind.

“Twenty years ago?” she asks.

“Twenty years ago!” Bob calls out over his shoulder.

“Hopefully they’ve improved the system since then,” Mike mutters.

“Mike,” Sam says. “Rats only live about three years. Even with access to a time travel that doesn’t make sense.”

“Well he also talks! That’s usually the bit I focus on,” Mike says throwing up his hands.

She walks faster to catch up with Bob. “Bob, how old is Rattus?” she asks.

“’Bit rude Sam. Never ask a mammal his age I always say! That’s what he told me on my first day!”

Today just gets better and better.

“Right, so let’s go over this shall we?” she says. “We’re stuck in the Stone Age, I’ve just learned that the organization we work for employs a very large, possibly immortal talking rat to rescue lost time travelers and we might have to fight a mega bear. I can’t decide which part of that sentence is the worst.”

“That’s the spirit!” says Bob.

“And Bob’s here,” Mike says.

“…yes, thanks Mike,” she says.

-

The cave is… well it’s a cave. Bob’s fidgeting at the entrance, keeping a look-out. With nothing else to do while they wait for Geoff to come back for… something Bob wasn’t too clear on, she and Mike have started shouting again.

“…unprofessional!” she shouts.

“You asked me out on a date! That’s unprofessional!” Mike shouts.

Somehow, they’ve gotten a bit off topic.

“You agreed!” she shouts.

“We went out twice! Twice! Wait are you jealous?”

“No! God no!”

“Well thanks,” Mike says.

“I think we both know that was going nowhere. But you didn’t have to go straight from ‘see you at work tomorrow’ to sleeping with Charles II in less than 24 hours without so much as a ‘this isn’t working out!’” she shouts.

“Oh, so this is about your pride! You slept with him too!”

“And me too!” says Bob.

Whatever else Mike was about to say dies on his lips. They both give Bob twin looks of horror.

“What! Don’t look at me like that! It’s more difficult to find someone who hasn’t,” says Bob. “Ooo! Geoff’s back! Back in a tick!”

“…oh my god,” says Mike gob smacked. He puts his hands over his face and leans against the cave wall for support.

“…I really didn’t need to know that,” she says. “I really really didn’t. I really really really didn’t. I really really really really-”

“Well he’s been working there longer than anyone else, except Rattus apparently, so maybe it was decades ago and not as bad as we think-” Mike says frantically. Sam clings to this thought but Mike cruelly continues.

“Wait no Charles did take a shine to Queen Victoria at the Prom and oh my god it could be as bad as we think why doesn’t brain bleach exist-” Sam grabs him by the shoulders.

“Stop talking!” she says. “Breathe.”

Mike takes a deep breath, visibly calming himself.

“Let’s never speak of this again,” he says.

“Agreed,” she says. She bites her lip. Fine. They might as well clear the air while they’re at it. “I’m sorry I’ve been taking my frustration out on you. It was unfair and… unprofessional.” After all, they are stuck in the past together.

“I… thanks. And I’m, er, sorry I didn’t end things properly with you,” he says.

“Don’t worry about it. They were both truly terrible dates,” she says.

“Alright,” he says slightly hurt.

“And how often does someone get a chance with Charles II?”

“Several times a day?” Mike says.

“I was… trying to be nice,” she says awkwardly.

“Oh.” Mike says, equally awkward. “Do you want to see what Bob’s up to?”

“Yeah, I think that’d be best.”

-

They reach Bob just before a familiar figure (and coworker) arrives.

“Bob?”

“Bonesy!” Bob shouts.

“Please don’t call me that,” says D.I. Bones.

“No can do I’m afraid! I could create a paradox! All future Bobs would call you Bones and all the past Bobs would call you Bonesy! Terrible mess! No, can’t have it!”

“Is he just making this up?” Mike whispers.

“I don’t know,” Sam whispers back. “Please don’t test it.”

“Bit weird,” says Bones. “You could have just not told me that. But okay?”

Bob finds this utterly hilarious and doubles over laughing. Eventually he rights himself again and smacks Bones good-naturedly on the shoulder.

“Good old Bonesy!” he says. Bones winces and rubs his shoulder. Bob spots them.

“Sam! Good news! Are you two friends again? Excellent! Wonderful! Welcome back Mike!”

“How did he…?” Sam says.

“I knew he was ignoring me,” Mike says accusingly.

“Hi, D.I. Bones, Historical Crime Squad. I don’t believe we’ve met,” says Bones shaking their hands in turn.

“Yes, actually we have- Ow!” Mike says as Bob stomps on his foot hard.

“Mike! Paradoxes!”

Bones is very confused.

“Don’t worry Bonesy! I’ll vouch for them,” says Bob.

“Yeah, the modern clothing kind of gave it away,” says Bones.

“Usually I have a vest,” Mike mutters.

“So we haven’t met yet, but we will meet in the future?” Bones asks.

Mike opens his mouth to say something but decides against it. Instead he looks at Sam who is less likely to incur any sort of Bob related repercussions.

“Yes,” she says firmly.

“Right. Well, be sure to tell me this has happened when you get back to your present so I can stop not talking about it,” says Bones. “I think.”

-

Mike, Bob and Sam get back three hours after they left the present (or their own present anyway), so all in all things aren’t as bad as they could have been. After a blissful night’s sleep (except for the brief nightmare where Bob invents the name Geoff) she feels rested and completely restored. Nothing can bother her today, not even a possibly immortal talking rat who damages delicate time travel equipment and whom you can smell from rooms away. Even the tea in the canteen tastes better today.

“Oi,” says Mike.

She turns around to see Mike holding out two ten pound notes.

“The bet?” he says.

“Oh! Right. I forgot. Don’t worry about it, dire circumstances and all that,” she says. “It was a stalemate anyway.”

“I don’t know, Geoff seemed to be pretty in awe of Bob when we left,” he says.

She plucks only one of the ten pound notes out of his hand.

“Well if you insist,” she says smugly.

“Good. Alright,” he says. “But next time we get lost in time I won’t go so easy on you.”

“There will not be a next time,” she says firmly. “Otherwise there will be broom related consequences for a certain fuzzy coworker of ours.”

“Did you find out how old he is?” Mike asks.

“No, but I’m working on it,” she says.

“How?”

“He thinks I know how old he is,” she says cheerfully.

Bones walks in and goes straight for the coffee machine. Mike looks at her and tilts his head in Bones’ direction in the universal signal of ‘let’s go.’

“Hi, I believe we’ve met before,” Mike says.

“Mike right? And Sam?” Bones says warily. “You work at the news desk right?”

Mike and Sam pause and look at each other. Bob could have been lying about paradoxes, but if Bones hasn’t met them yet… destroying time, no matter how unlikely, would be very, very bad to say the least.

“Excuse us for one moment,” she says.

They turn away from Bones and huddle together whispering.

“We really should have come up with a code word,” Mike says.

“Should we get Bob?” Sam says.

“Right, because he’ll make things less confusing,” Mike says sarcastically.

“If we’re wrong he’ll just think Bob’s being Bob!”

They talk back and forth for a bit until she comes up with an idea. When they turn around Bones looks even more suspicious than before.

“You’ve met Bob right?” she says.

Bones nods cautiously.

“Has Bob ever talked to you about… paradoxes?” she asks.

“…yes,” Bones says still not giving anything away.

“And you asked him not to call you Bonesy?” Mike asks.

“Are you saying you… remember something or…?” Bones trails off.

“I might remember something, yes. Like… when…?” Mike begins.

“When…” Bones says.

“We…” Mike says.

“Met,” Bones says.

“-in the Stone Age!” Bones and Mike say at the same time. It’s almost adorable.

“Thank god that’s over with,” Sam says. “Let’s sit down.”

“Finally! That was ages ago,” Bones says as they walk to a nearby table. “Not literal ages,” he adds. It’s a weak joke but your terminology has to exact when you work in the time travel business.

“How long was it for you?” she asks.

“We uh, got back yesterday,” Mike says.

“A year,” says Bones. “No wait, maybe closer to eleven months? I was beginning to think you two had decided not to say anything.”

“Oh,” she says. It must have been difficult to constantly avoid them for almost a year. Bones didn’t even risk a word of casual small talk to her knowledge.

“Sorry I’ve been a bit standoffish for so long. I didn’t want to accidently bring it up before it happened and kill my own grandfather or something,” he says.

Mike laughs. Sam gives him a sidelong glance. Sometimes he can be a bit obvious.

“Did you ever find out how the three of you got sent to the past?” Bones asks.

“Rattus,” Mike says. “Apparently he spilled his coffee on a console when a particularly yummy looking cockroach just happened to catch his eye.”

“He drinks coffee?” says Bones incredulously.

“Sort of,” Sam says. “He invented his own drink. Its half used coffee grounds and half… other things,” she says with a shudder. Bones carefully pushes his coffee cup away.

“What does the historical crime squad do?” Mike asks.

“You know, I’m not really sure. We travel through time and investigate but we’ve never actually arrested anyone. There isn’t even any protocol for it. It’s mostly writing reports. I do meet some interesting people I suppose,” Bones says. “I’d avoid Caligula if I were you. And mega bears.”

“You don’t say,” Sam says.

Mike’s been trying to silently ask her something while trying to appear completely normal, but she can’t figure out what it is. Eventually, he gives up and turns to Bones.

“So,” Mike says. “Have you slept with Charles II yet?”

Sam chokes on her tea. She tries desperately to suppress her laughter and breathe at the same time. Bones’ pause is so long that by the time he replies she has completely recovered.

“No,” Bones says carefully. “But Alexander the Great was very persistent.”

**Author's Note:**

> This practically wrote itself, most likely because it is 90% dialogue. I’m not British and this is completely unbeta-ed, so any errors are mine. I’ll fix any errors anyone finds. Everyone should write Bob at least once in their life. It is loads of fun and I cannot recommend it enough. (Fun fact: I wrote this because I wanted Sam and Mike to argue about Charles II and the rest just sort of grew up around it.)


End file.
